I don’t completely hate Christmas. After all, I’m not the grinch. But here’s a list of everything about Christmas that irritates me to the core.
1) Santa Claus
Honestly, I have never understood the whole premise behind Santa Claus. Maybe because, unlike most households, leaving cookies and milk for Santa wasn’t a Christmas tradition in my home while I was growing up.
We tell children that if they’re “good” all year, they are entitled to toys manufactured in the North Pole(of which they’ll probably get bored and promptly discard within the following two months)
I’m sorry, but that’s not how the real world works.
A person’s moral compass should not be influenced by the possibility of an external reward. Expecting goodies for “being good” is no different than sucking up!
Children should be taught the value of inner principles. They should view themselves as morally accountable to other people in addition to themselves.
Children should also realize that life, unfortunately, isn’t always fair. In other words, even if they’re as compassionate, kind-hearted and thoughtful as Mr.Rogers, life could still fuck them in the ass! It’s better for them to acknowledge that inescapable fact at an early age. Otherwise, we’re just hindering their potential at personal growth.
2) Christmas Songs
I know most people love the Holiday classics, however, when they’re endlessly played at restaurants, department stores, elevators, waiting rooms, the supermarket, office parties etc., I start to consider seasoning my meals with a vial of cyanide!
3) The “War on Christmas”
Every holiday season, there’s always some right-wing abrasive blowhard on the radio (most likely, Rush Limbaugh) or some pompous blowhard on television (most likely, Bill O’Reilly) lamenting over a traumatic incident in which their local cashier had the audacity to wish them “Happy Holidays” rather than a “Merry Christmas”!
Oh, and on the flipside, you also have liberal atheists, with too much time on their hands, decrying over a bloody nativity display in the town square.
I thought the holidays (yea I said “Holidays”..so sue me) were supposed to be the one time of year where we could avoid politicized bullshit. In fact, during this Christmas, I don’t want to hear anything about the recent election, Black Lives Matter, the Alt-Right, Political Correctness, ISIS or Castro’s supposed legacy. I really don’t care at this point. All I want to do is gluttonously stuff my mouth with pumpkin pie, decorated gingerbread cookies and eggnog.
People Complaining about Commercialization
Let’s be real. Consumerism is the real reason for the season. I mean Baby Jesus is cute and everything, but seasonal economic stimulation is the real miracle!
And by the way, no one is forcing you to shop! Get off your high horse!!
Holiday-themed films aren’t entirely terrible. However, they’re extremely overhyped, especially when they’re constantly being screened on every fucking channel during the entire month of December! Most of those movies are dated and only serve to indulge our nostalgic inclinations. For example, Home Alone was an unremarkably-scripted movie starring a very annoying child artist (although its sequel has a very notable cameo by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named). However, as children, we all watched Home Alone and now, the movie triggers fond memories of a simpler time. This illustrates how memberberries can have an outstandingly potent effect on us
New Years Resolutions
Oh, you say you going to start eating healthier and exercise more? So….What are you doing with that glass of eggnog and that piece of pie?