The Beard makes the Man

I decided to take a brief recess from political and social commentary. This blog seems to be taking a dreadfully serious tone, which, I’m sure, alienates a significant portion of my readers due to my polarizing content. So I’m going to switch gears and talk about a subject that’s refreshingly fun and ‘politically neutral’: Beards!!

Since the turn of the century(or should I say millennium!), facial hair, once associated with swarthy immigrants arriving at Ellis Island, has gain traction in the cultural fabric of the West. It’s as if beards are the badge of honor worn pridefully by every self-respecting millennial man.

Now listen guys, I’m no expert on dating and enticing the perfect girl. However, heed my advice. Girls can deduce a lot about a guy from his facial hair.  Here’s a simple guide as to what you are communicating to potential dates with your beard.

Clean-Shaven

Let’s began with our classic brand:The No-Beard! A product of army regulations during WWII, this look was the look of the 1950s. Every flag-waving, patriotic American was download (1)clean-shaven and smooth like a infant’s toochie! If he wasn’t, obviously he was a dirty Russian commie and ought to be reported to Joseph McCarthy, the defender of the American Way (peace be upon him).

If you’re clean-shaven, you probably exhibit the demeanor similar to the likes of Ward Cleaver. You’re a hard-working, family man. You own your own house. You work in a typical 9-5, white-collar setting. You’re an attentive parent, a loving husband and a productive citizen of this great country. Sure, some people may find you boring but people like you are a valuable asset to this nation and for that, we salute you.

The Mustache

If you have a mustache and you’re not Tom Selleck, Frank Zappa, or the guy who played Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World, you should probably do us all a favor and shave that thing off!

In the old country, the mustache was a symbol of virility and masculine strength. However, we’re not in the old country. Here in the United States, possessing a mustache implies one of three facts about you.

1) You’re a moonshine-drinking, gun-totting, Bible-tumping, Trump-supporting, deer-hunting, trailer trash redneck. You’re a real American, unlike those pussy, liberal Yankees! You’re so American that you have a Confederate flag hanging from your porch! You like your booze hard, your meat red, and your women loose! ‘Merica, Fuck yeah!!!

2) You’re a typical millennial hipster. Despite coming from a relatively affluent family, you reside in a low-income vicinity and continuously complain about gentrification, of which you, ironically, play a small role. You write ‘deep’ poetry no one wants to read. You pretentiously brag about viewing low-budget Arthouse films as opposed to those basics who prefer high-budget quality commercial movies. Donning yourself in a fedora, a tightly-fitted V-neck T-shirt, and gonad-crushing skinny jeans, you frequent those eclectic avant-garde coffee shops and compete with other hipsters on who’s the most noncomforming

3) You’re an washed-up porn star. You’ve spent the better part of your life thrusting your chiseled body against some chick who is desperately attempting to become a respectable actress. You were the lead in numerous inspirational, heartwarming films including Missionary Position Impossible, Harry Potter and the Half-Erected Penis, Holes (subtitled: the G-Spot is somewhere, start humping), Sixteen Cumshots, and the Morning-Wood Club. It’s a shame you’ve never won an Oscar! Unfortunately, now you’re more corpulent than Ron Jeremy. And even Mia Khalifa doesn’t want to work with you. Your lightening rod isn’t as steardy as it used to be. You have no valuable skills in the real world and even after 25 years and you still can’t get a girl to squirt. Good luck with that lottery ticket. Remember, bet on 69!

The Neckbeard 

download (4)Unless you’re an Abraham Lincoln impersonator, you should probably shave that thing off! I’m guessing you love RPG games. You live in your parents’ basement and spend every waking hour playing World of Warcraft despite it being sooo last decade!!!  I also assume you’re not a ardent supporter of feminism. When you’re not playing your outdated RPG game, you glue your eyes on Men’s Rights Advocacy forum and concur that, despite living in a semi-patriarchal environment, men are ruthlessly oppressed! By the way, I have fedora if you wish to borrow.

The Goatee

download (5)Are you a psychiatrist? Great, because I have a plethora of issues I need to discuss. Maybe you can prescribe me some Xanax? Oh you’re not? Hmm…dude, I hate to break this to you, but you’re stuck in the 90s. You probably still listen to Grunge music and randomly spout Seinfeld catchphrases. And oh, you’ve memorized the lyrics to ‘Mr Plow’? So has everyone else like twenty years ago!!

I know you’ve grew accustomed to surfing AOL on your PC running Windows 95 but please, at least roll down your pant legs! We all get nostalgic about the 1990s. The television programming was ten times more entertaining. Film-making was a lot more innovative. And people weren’t irrationally paranoid (well, until the Columbine massacre). But holy shit! Our sense of fashion was like a M. Night Shymalan film. Twisted, nonsensical and somehow, extremely impactful.

The Soul Patch

If you are endowed with that turf of hair beneath your lower lip, you’re one of two archetypes:download (6)

  1. Similar to your mustached cousin, you are also a hipster living in a gentrified neighborhood. You’re probably one of many no-faces in the creative arts industry and in order to signify yourself as idiosyncratic and sui generis, you’ve grown a soul patch…like anyone else at the office!
  2. You’re a 50-something year old desperately trying to relive your glory days. Jazz, Disco, tight jeans, Heroin injections. That was your world. Then the 1980’s arrived. The music got weird. Some fucked-up drug called crack cocaine made its way into the inner-cities. Everyone became a corporate stooge, resembling the likes of Gordon Gekko. Life hasn’t been the same sense. So you frequent those retro nightclub and attempt to reminiscence on your countercultural youth.

The Designer Stubble

download (7)Oh, this little doozy is more predominant with millennials than student debt! It embodies the stereotypical portrayal of a entitled man-child. Let’s analyze the thought process of a guy maintaining his stubble. He yearns to be masculine in order to attract a mate. However, he’s not man enough to actually grow a full beard. So he reasons a compromise where he can appear to be (somewhat) masculine without actually being masculine. Thus, the stubble was born.

The Short, Trimmed Beard

download (9)You’re strongly resembled your clean-shaven cousin. You’re a career-oriented man. In fact, you probably hold a high-ranking position at your company, like project manager. But you don’t want to appear plain and boring. And Steve Jobs has a short, cropped beard. So does Wikipedia’s James Wales. So, why not grow one of your own?

 

The 6-inch (+) Beard

Unless you’re an erudite Greek philosopher or a powerful wizard, you do not have the right to possess this magnificent brand of facial hair. Nothing more to say!download (10)

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